Morning before Retreat

I check in for a 4 day silent meditation retreat today. It is only my second retreat ever, and my second in 4 months. I found the last retreat transformative. I really did come out of the retreat with a sense of openness, a quiet knowing, and full of love.
But, as with all things, this too fell away. I wen't back to work, became cynical again, became frustrated with my relationship situation, fearful of my ticking clocks, time time time. And laziness appeared again as well.
But i also kept that tiny spark of oneness, that appears at strange moments. A recognition of our interconnectedness, compassion for the ones that irk me. So I suppose something stuck with me.
Zen masters always talk about letting goals and expectations fall away, and only then will you find enlightenment. Well I am not going for enlightenment, meditation is just cheap Adderall for me, and likely, no other retreat will ever be able to live up to that first intense experience of 3 days of silence and watching the mind. But I still ache for that feeling of secret peace, a knowing mind, that was so fleeting.
Maybe I will find something NEW, maybe something the same, maybe nothing at all. But I will try to be OPEN to it. 
Open to life, the universe, and everything.